


Sammy's Diary

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Sam, I guess I'll just go with the flow, I just know it's gonna be Wincest, M/M, We'll see what happens with this, but everything else, lots of teenage angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-03-22 19:34:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 17,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3741019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was never the most popular kid in high school. No, that was always my older brother, Dean. In between the constant moving around, Dean had always found himself a new group of people that would worship him. How could they not? He was what most people would call a straight up god. I was always, and still am, the younger brother to the cool guy. The less-awesome Winchester. The lesser version of Dean. He's like some kind of hypnotist, easily having everyone under his trance. And I, much like everyone else, had fallen under Dean's spell</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my VERY FIRST FANFIC POSTED EVER. WOW. OKAY....
> 
> Gosh, this is making me kinda nervous. Oh boy, well, I'd love criticism (not hate). Your ideas only help make my writing better, making it a better experience for the both of us. 
> 
> I probably won't be able to update weekly like I originally wanted because of *ugh* HIGH SCHOOL. So, yeah, we'll see what happens. Maybe...
> 
> What I think I'll do now is add a new chapter for each new location. Or for each new year. Still haven't decided... Oh well.

_10/06/97_

_For as long as I can remember, Dean has been there for me. He's always been my rock - **is** my rock. Between the bullies and puberty, Dean has been there for me, giving me his helpful advice. If I didn't have Dean, I probably would be dead by now...  
_

_Dad went on another hunting trip two days ago. Dropped us off at another motel in Mississippi, some random town that I've never heard of. We were both enrolled in the closest high school, Natchez High School. Hopefully it will be better than the last one._

_Dean is a senior now. And me, I'm a freshman. The new kid in a new school. **Again**. Tomorrow will be our first day. Since it's the middle of the year, I've got a lot of work to catch up on. We went shopping for school supplies the other day, only buying me a binder and a couple pencils. I'll probably just use the stuff from my old school. Dean, of course, didn't bother getting anything. As he put it, "I won't be here long enough for it to matter." He decided that he wants to drop out of school in a month or two so that he can focus mainly on hunting.  
_

_I began to think about college, something that I know neither Dad nor Dean will like. Like Dean, I'm supposed to get through **at least** three years of high school. Because, according to Dad, a great education and a fancy degree isn't necessary for what we do. But what Dad failed to realize is that I want more than a life fueled by weaponry and fake credit cards. I mean, I can't live like this forever, can I?_

_Dean is calling me for dinner. I'll write again after my first day.  
_

 

* * *

* * *

 

_10/07/97_

_Well, this high school is just as bad as the last one. If anything, it's worse. The school is made up of cliques that you normally see in those stupid high school dramas. The jocks, the nerds, the cheerleaders, the goths, etc., etc. It's kind of ridiculous. Dean automatically fit in, well, everywhere. He has members from each clique in his new group of friends, and I... Well, I have nobody. During lunch, I sit alone outside, mainly working on school stuff. I would sit with the "nerds," but since Dean is considered cool, I automatically know I wouldn't fit in with them. So, as usual, I'm the outcast. The new kid. The **freak**. You'd think I would've gotten used to it by now, but apparently not... _

_And just like at the last school, there's a bully. I refuse to tell Dean about him, because I know my brother will overreact and threaten the kid. I'll just have to deal with getting shoved around in the halls. I'd rather be beaten up by some kid than be the one beating the kid up, I guess. All I know is that I gotta be the bigger person, and don't fight back._

_Whatever. Doesn't even matter. Like Dean said, we should be out of here in a few days, a week tops._

 

* * *

* * *

 

_10/10/97_

_Dean got himself a girlfriend. She's a junior, a cheerleader of course. She claims she's in love. He took her virginity. It's all around the school. She claims he was the best night of her life..._

_She doesn't know us, she doesn't know anything about us. I mean, hell, Dean is probably gonna ditch her in a few days for some other girl, one who he thinks is better. So, why does this bother me so much? It doesn't matter..._

_I made a friend. My only friend. He's pretty cool, I guess. I mean, if you ignore the fact that he only befriended me to get closer to Dean... That's another thing that's been happening recently. People talk to me to get to Dean. Most of them can't even last through one conversation with me, because "I'm so boring." Whatever._

_The only thing that gets me through the school day, besides my book, is knowing that I have English seventh period. Our English teacher, Mr. Pranchty, is the nicest person that I've met so far at this school. He lends me books to read since Dad won't let me get a library card..._

_It's after 12 and I have no idea why I'm still awake. Gonna try and get some shut-eye before school tomorrow. See ya._

 

* * *

* * *

 

_10/14/97_

_Today in Bio, we dissected insects. I ended up having to draw the diagrams and take notes because I couldn't bring myself to cut the poor thing._

_Insects._

_~~Two simple letters. But if they're switched, everything is wrong. Insect and Incest.~~ _

_Dean laughed at me when I got home. Said I was becoming a sissy for not being able to cut a dead bug open. What does he know?_

_Dad still isn't back yet. According to Dean, Dad said that the hunt would only take about a week. But now, he hasn't called, so we'll just have to wait and see what happens. Hopefully he'll get back soon. It's getting worse and worse each day I'm here..._


	2. Chapter 2

_10/29/97_

_It's been weeks since I was last in Mississippi. Weeks without writing my thoughts down in my journal. Weeks since I knew where my journal was. But now, I found it. In the depths of my duffel. I had been afraid that while rushing around and packing to get out of state, I had forgotten it in the motel room. Yet, alas, here it is, and here I am writing in it.  
_

_Dad recently moved me to Aspen, Colorado and Dean went off hunting with him. It's not the first time that Dad and Dean left me on my own while they go off to hunt, but it never gets any more normal. The motel room seems empty without an extra bed, without an extra body. I tried everything to tuck away that sense of emptiness. Reading the book that I never got to return to my English teacher,_ The Partner _by John Grisham. I tried watching_ Men in Black _, tried listening to the radio (but turned it off once the Spice Girls came on). Nothing worked._

_I start school tomorrow. On a Thursday, no less. Hopefully it isn't that bad. Maybe I'll even fit in. Who knows..._

 

* * *

* * *

 

_10/30/97_

_Today was my first day of school. Today was my first day of school, and I made friends. Who knows what changed, or why this school is any different from the thousands of others that I've been to, but **who cares**? I made friends, and none of them are using me to get to Dean. _

_Dean..._

_It's nearly 11, and Dean still hasn't called yet like he promised to. I'm getting worried that he got hurt while hunting. I still haven't been able to stomach down the cheap reheatable dinner that I made for myself. Every time I try, my mind just goes right back to Dean. I might as well throw it out..._

_It's nearly 11 and I can't sleep because my mind keeps wandering to Dean. Let's hope he calls soon..._

 

* * *

* * *

_10/31/97_

_It's Halloween. The day where little kids go around knocking on doors and asking strangers for candy. The day that monsters can come out and hunt during the day. The high school gave all the students a day off, and most of my new friends are going trick-or-treating together._

_Trick-or-treating. It's one thing that I never experienced growing up. Having a dad who is a hunter, he refused to allow me go knock on the doors of strangers in the middle of the night. So, while my friends are out and about (even though they're getting a bit old to do this kinda stuff), I'll be in the motel room. Doing absolutely nothing..._

_Dean still hasn't called yet, and it's scaring me. It's been nearly four days since we last spoke, and the Dean that I know would've called by now if something wasn't wrong. If he doesn't call by tomorrow, I don't know what I'll do with myself._

_Anyways, I've gotta go check the salt lines on the doors and windows before any "kids" come around. So, yeah. I'll write later._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a short chapter, I KNOW. And I'm sorry for that. But, there'll be a new one up tomorrow. Hopefully. Probably. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed what little I posted... Feel free to leave a comment below, I'd love to hear what you guys think!


	3. Chapter 3

_11/01/97_

_Dean called around lunch time today. Claims that he and dad are alright, just a minor mishap with the hunt. Whatever the hell that means. I couldn't even count how many times Dean apologized for not calling._

_Once Dean called, I realized how hungry I was. In the past couple days I was barely able to eat anything. But once I heard Dean's voice, it was like I could... Feel again._  
_Dean claims that the hunt is over, that they'll come and pick me up in two days. That he's happy I finally found a place where I could make friends. If he's so happy I made friends, why is he making me leave them so soon? I mean, it's not like it hasn't happened many times before, but I just started to fit in here..._

_I guess that's just how the life is. No wonder I wanna get out so quickly..._

 

* * *

* * *

 

_11/05/97_

_I'm in the car while Dad and Dean go shopping for provisions. The should be back soon, so I've gotta make this a quick one. All my friends were sad to hear I had to go. Some of them gave me their phone numbers so that we can stay in contact... I know I'll miss them._

_Dean was hurt on the hunt. Something minor, but major enough to worry me. He claims it's just a minor flesh wound, that he'll be fine i a few days, but I can see him wince every time he walks, and I could swear that he limps slightly. Dad just told me not to worry too much about it._

_We're on our way to California. One of Dad's old contacts called and said he needed help. Some poltergeist or something. And while Dad and Dean (of course I can't go with them) go work on the case, I'm stuck in another motel, researching for the next case. Since Dad thinks it'll be quick, a couple days max, he didn't even bother enrolling me in the high school. That's alright, I guess. One less introduction to do... Dean wasn't too happy about the idea, though. He fought with Dad tooth and nail to try and get me to go to school, claiming that I need my education, that I'm not like him._

_I'll try updating later, I see Dean at the cash register._

 

* * *

* * *

_11/06/97_

_Not much to update on. Actually, basically nothing to update on. Dean and Dad went on the hunting trip, like I said earlier.  And I'm stuck at another $5 motel with an uncomfortable bed and a spider-infested room. Great. I can practically **smell** the sex in here..._

_I'm not allowed to leave this room until after Dad and Dean finish the hunt, which is just a walk in the park for me. I mean, it's **every teenage boy's dream to sit in a gross motel room with nothing to do.** Dad gave me enough food for the next three days, and he said that if the hunt takes longer than that, he'll send Dean to give me something. _

_I guess I'd better start doing that research now. I'll try writing when there's something better to be doing._

 

* * *

* * *

_11/27/97_

  _It's Thursday. It's Thursday and I'm in a new town. It's Thursday and I start school on Monday. It's Thursday, and Dean is here, sleeping in the motel bed next to mine. It's Thursday, and Dad is risking his life on yet another hunt. A werewolf, none the less._

_Dean was too injured to go on the hunt with Dad. His already-messed up knee got worse after the poltergeist hunt. Although he declines the pain, both Dad and I can see it, so here he is. In the motel room with me. While Dad is out hunting again._

_Dean isn't bothering to go to school with me this time. He claimed that he was done, dropped out for good. So, while I'm in school, Dean will be here. In the motel, resting his leg. And, well, to be honest, probably watching some porn on pay-per-view. Since Dean is deemed unable to drive, I'll be walking to and from school each morning. Which, to be completely honest, I don't mind as much. It'll be nice to get outside for a bit._

_And since Dean is unable to hunt, he wants to spend more "quality time" between the two of us. Which is good and, well, bad. Good because, he's my brother and I'd love spending time with him, knowing that he's safe and **chose** to hang out with me. Bad because, well, ~~my feelin~~ ~~gs for him have only grown since I last wrote about it (how is he so perfect?)~~ he can be such a **pain in my ass**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I say that I probably won't update daily, I'm obviously lying. I think that I've grown too attached to the story to just not update... Oh well. Hope you enjoyed the new chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

_12/05/97_

_It's weird. Everyone in my new school keeps talking about Christmas. Even though it is twenty days away, everyone is getting so excited for the holiday. They talk about the presents, the tree... It makes me wonder what it'd be like to have a Christmas tree of my very own. I know that it'll never happen. Not with the way we live; Dad barely having enough money to support us as is. But still, it makes me wonder..._

_We're still in this town in the middle of nowhere. Dean is still supposed to be off his leg (though that doesn't stop him from moving around), and Dad is still on his werewolf hunt. This hunt is taking much longer than normal, and it makes me wonder how Dad is doing by now... I'm sure he's fine._

_Dean is in constant contact with our old man, always on his stupid flip phone, talking in the other room so that I can't hear the details of the case. Which annoys me the most. Dean has never kept anything from me, **ever.** So, why start now?_

_School is boring here. Everything that they're doing now, I learned months ago. It's annoying, the curriculum while traveling. Everyone is learning the same stuff but at different times, and I never seem to stop by at the **right** time..._

_Dean is out getting us lunch. I think I hear the car pulling up now. I'll write as soon as I can._

 

* * *

* * *

_12/07/97_

_Sunday. It's Sunday. All of my friends are going to church. Dean and I aren't. What's the point? I mean, I know Dean doesn't believe in God. He makes quite the point of that. And me, well, I don't know what to believe... But with everything that I've heard about from Dean and Dad, all the cases they've been on, it's kinda hard to believe that there is a God. Although, that doesn't stop me from hoping._

_Since we have nothing to do today, and since I did all of my homework, Dean decided we could go out to watch a movie. We're gonna go watch_ Tomorrow Never Dies. _I have no idea what it's about, but Dean seemed quite enthusiastic about it. And I think that Pierce Brosnan is in it. Right now, I'm just waiting for Dean to decide that it's time to leave. In the meantime, I'm pretending to read the new Stephen King novel, while Dean reads_ Rolling Stones. _It's the issue with Keith Richards and_ _Mick Jagger._

_Dean's now decided that it's time to go out. I'll probably write again tomorrow after school, but who knows what'll happen. Maybe dad will get back. Maybe. Hopefully not. I'm just starting to feel normal...  
_

 

* * *

* * *

_12/12/97  
_

_Well, we're on the road again. I have no idea where we're going, and I didn't bother to ask. There's no point. I'll just begin to settle down before getting right back up and leaving. Just like I just did in Missouri. Damn it..._

_Dean is the closest thing to comfort that I have. He's probably the only person that I'm sure I won't leave behind. He's stuck with me, whether he likes it or not._

_And the Impala, well, it's the closest thing that I have to an actual home. Every time I get in the car, my eyes can't help but linger to Dean and my initials carved into the interior. Every time I get in there, I can hear the Legos moving around in the air vent, and I feel at home. And the smell, whiskey, leather, and gunpowder. The car smells like Dean ~~, and it's heaven~~. _

_Anyways, I'm getting tired. We just passed the border entering Maine, and I'm gonna try getting some shut-eye before we arrive at, well, wherever. Will write soon._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a short one. I'm sorry for that. I'm gonna try and post a few more chapters tomorrow since it's Friday. Hope you like it so far, and I'd really love to hear your opinion in the comments section!


	5. Chapter 5

_12/18/97_

_I still don't know where the hell we are. And frankly, I still don't care._

_Dean tries his best to comfort me, and although it is helping slightly, I won't give Dad any credit for having Dean try. No way. So instead, I pretend like Dean's presence annoys the hell out of me. Which only makes Dean try harder. ~~I can't say that I don't love being smothered by him.~~_

_Now, with Dad gone again, it gets harder and harder to stay with Dean alone. As I get older, Dean seems to be more ~~attractive to me~~ of a pain in my ass..._

_I'm gonna go and do... something. I'll write later..._

 

* * *

* * *

 

_12/20/97_

_It's getting closer and closer to Christmas. And it looks like another year where Dad isn't present. Not like Christmas is a big holiday for us of anything; our feast generally includes McDonald's takeout. But even though we don't really celebrate it very much, it would still be nice for Dad to be home..._

_At least I have Dean.  
_

_I remember that when I was younger, Dean would try getting me to believe that Dad was home on Christmas, even though we both knew it wasn't true. He'd go into other houses and steal a few presents for me from underneath their trees. And for that, I've always admired him. Well, that and other reasons..._

_I'm gonna go take a shower and do my homework now. I'll write on Christmas._

 

* * *

* * *

_12/25/97_

_Christmas day. It's Christmas day and Dad isn't here, but Dean is. It's Christmas day and it's snowing._

_For once, we have a white Christmas. Dean and I, upon waking up, automatically went outside and had a snowball fight. Afterwards, we came back inside the motel room and warmed back up before eating and unwrapping presents. I'm kinda happy that Dad isn't here today, actually. I think he'd just ruin it all..._

_Dean got me a bunch of things that he knew I wanted; mainly books. He's been hustling pool at the nearest bar with his fake ID recently, saving up just enough to get them for me. I've gotta make sure that I thank him for it again later on. I got Dean a gun, a pistol that I'm sure he probably already has...It wasn't much, but Dean claimed that he loved it. Probably only trying to get me to feel better about it...  
_

_Dean wants to watch a movie with me on cable, so I'll write later._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a horrible liar. I said I'd post a few more chapters yesterday, but that obviously didn't happen...
> 
> I know it's short too, and I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep up, but I have a lot of other stuff going on right now. 
> 
> Anyways, enough excuses. I hope you enjoyed the new chapter. Leave me comments; I love reading them, and it encourages me to keep going.


	6. Chapter 6

_2/14/98_

_It's Valentine's Day. It's Valentine's Day and Dean has four valentines. It's Valentine's Day, and I'm absolutely alone..._

_I wonder why I even bother caring. Who needs a Valentine anyways? ~~Me.~~ Who cares that I don't get a stupid card and a box of chocolates from some girl at my newest high school. None of the girls here matter anyways. ~~None of them compare to Dean.~~_

_Dad's gone on another hunting trip. Dean is still slightly injured, and is supposed to be resting for the next week or so. Dad asked me to go with him on the next hunting trip. Dad says that Dean was younger than me when he went hunting for the first time - when he killed his first monster. But, I'm not like Dean. ~~No matter how much I wish I am~~ , I'm not like my older brother. I'm the polar opposite of Dean. And me hunting with my dad is just like one big cosmic joke._

_Anyways, getting off the topic of my father's terrible ideas, not much else in new in my life. Dean, with his extremely visible scar, is more popular here than he was in any other place that we've gone. He started going to school again. With his injury, not much else he could do. Although, the kid can barely write, his fucked up arm getting in the way...  
_

_Anyways, I gotta go start my homework. I'll write again later._

 

* * *

* * *

_2/18/98_

~~_I'm a horrible person. I'm a terrible, terrible, horrible person. I am in love with my brother, the sick fuck that I am. How the hell could my older brother be so... perfect?_ ~~

_~~Hell. That's where I'm sure to end up. Just for the sheer thought...~~  
_

_Dean got another girlfriend. I already hate her. ~~If Dean weren't so perfect,~~ I'd say she's cheating on him. No, I definitely think she's cheating on him, ~~that slut.~~_

_She's got Dean under her belt. With one flip of that dirty blonde hair, and a lick from one of those stupid cherry lollipops she always carries around, she's got him under her spell. ~~Just like I'm under his.~~ Sometimes I wonder where the hell Dean finds these girls..._

_Ugh, she's coming over to talk to me now. I'll write later._

 

* * *

* * *

 

_2/21/98_

_We're gone. Out of Maine. Finally. Dean's girlfriend cried when he told her that he was leaving. Serves her right._

_Dean is driving the car. Dean finally got to drive the Impala. Dad stole another car, telling Dean to drive Baby while he went solo. I could swear that Dean looked like a little kid again once he was told the news.  
_

_Dad's hunt went well, apparently. So, that's good too. Although, I've grown to learn that once something goes well, it always flips around eventually. Something's gonna go wrong soon. I can feel it..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I know. It's been over a week since I updated. And I regret it, I really do, but I've seemed to loose a bit of interest in the story. Hell, I haven't had an idea of what to say in this update until today. There's been a lot going on in my life right now, and I haven't really found time (or the motivation) to write anything else. But hey, I did. One more chapter. One more update on this story. But yeah, I apologize for how long it's taken me. I know that it's short (and not worth the wait), so I apologize for that too.


	7. Chapter 7

_3/5/98_

_It's been weeks since I've ad time to write again._

_Dad made me go on a hunt with him last week. We left Dean behind, who is still healing. Despite all of Dean's protesting (something that he never does when it comes to Dad's orders), I ended up in another motel with just Dad. It was uncomfortable - being with Dad, but not Dean._

_I couldn't get the hunt over with any faster._

_I don't think that Dad enjoyed hunting with me, because since the case ended, he hasn't brought it up again. Maybe he thought I whined too much about leaving Dean behind. Which, well, I kinda did._

_Anyways, I'm back with Dean, and Dad is out hunting a wendigo...  
_

_Dean is letting me not go to school. Considering the fact that Dad didn't even enroll me in the nearby high school, this is still really cool. Usually, Dean would just enroll me himself. But, this time, he didn't. Said he wants to spend more time with me. Which, I'm not complaining about..._

 

* * *

* * *

~~_3/7/98_ ~~

_~~It hurts. Everything just kinda... hurts. I mean, Dean is being so perfect without even realizing it. And me, I'm stuck here with my stupid fucking feelings for my older brother.~~ _

_~~My feelings for my older brother. God, they've only gotten worse and worse. Each growing day, it's harder to deal with. I mean, one moment, I'll be completely fine, watching a movie with Dean on the couch or something. Then the next, he shifts slightly, and I've automatically got a boner. Like, I actually hate puberty.~~ _

_~~Not to mention I'm horny. Like, a lot. I know, it's all part of puberty, my raging hormones getting the better of me. But still, it's hell.~~ _

 

* * *

* * *

_3/8/98_

_Dean too me to see a movie today. He spent all the money that he made at his newest job. I told him that he should've saved it, that he could've used it for something else, but Dean insisted._

~~_Selfless idiot_ ~~

_I met a girl today. She goes to the local high school; the one that I was supposed to go to. Her name is Sarah, and she's actually really cool..._

_Dean wouldn't stop cracking jokes about me dating the girl, but I could swear I heard more in his tone. ~~Maybe it's just my hopes getting the better of me.~~_

_Sarah gave me her number, and told me to call her if I ever got the chance... If Dean doesn't stop bugging me about it, I might do it tomorrow._

_Anyways, Dad's case is taking longer than planned. He's supposed to get back in a week. That is, if all goes according to plan. Whatever. I'll write again soon.  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the chapters just seem to be getting shorter and shorter as I go along... So, here's another short one. As time goes on, they might get longer again, but we'll see what happens.
> 
> I have a lot going on right now, so I can't update as much as I want to, but I'm sure that after I take my AP test, and after the school year ends, I'll be able to post more often. That is, if I don't find another excuse...
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed! And, leave a comment, telling me how you liked it. I really love hearing feedback, and it gives me the motivation to make a new chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

_3/17/98_

_It isn't easy anymore. School, hunting, **life**. _

_No, it was never easy... But now it's all gotten harder._

~~_Living with the one person I'm in love with, the one person I can't have._ ~~

_Living this terrible life. This... thing eating away at me. I feel like it won't ever stop. It never stops..._

_I don't know how much longer I can deal with all of this. ~~My brother, he's become more like my addiction than anything else.~~ I don't know if I can handle any of it anymore. _

_Once I'm out of high school, I'm gone. I have no idea where I'm going, or for how long, but I know that I'm gone. I mean, hell, I've been thinking about college ever since I knew what college was. Maybe I'll go, once I graduate. Keep my grades up, apply myself. See if I can get a full-ride scholarship. Just so that I can get away from here. From this lifestyle. ~~From my addiction.~~_

 

* * *

* * *

_3/19/98_

_Dean. He almost got a hold of my ~~diary~~ journal today. He was packing up my duffel for me, because I was at school, and dad said he wanted to go once I got back._

_So, like I was saying, he was packing my duffel. And while going through my underwear drawer (I know, a typical place to keep it), he found this very book. Now, neither Dad nor Dean know what the book is. They see me writing in it sometimes, but they never know what it is. At least, I don't **think** they do..._

_Anyways, I got back at the motel right when Dean opened the book to start reading it. I couldn't have moved any faster to get it away from him. I just gotta be more careful next time to make sure that they never find it. And cross out everything I mention about... y'know._

 

* * *

* * *

_3/21/98_

_One of my new friends... My best friend, her dad died today. The wake is in two days. Since he was a police officer, everyone from surrounding towns are gonna be there too. I'm missing school for it. It's four hours long, and, well, I'm gonna be there for the whole time. No matter what the fuck Dad has to say about it. It's the least I could do. Be here for her..._

_She has a twin sister. And two older sisters. And one younger. Nessa, the oldest is in her first year of college, and Tianna, the youngest is in sixth grade..._

_I've always known what it's like to only have one parent. I never knew my mom well enough to actually be as sad about her death as Dean or Dad are. I mean, I was just a baby. The only thing I have to remember Mom by is, well, pictures and second-hand stories. But Sophie (my friend) grew up with her dad. She knew him. Loved him. Used him as her role model... And now, he's gone..._

_I'll write again after going to the wake on Monday._

 

* * *

* * *

_3/23/98_

_The wake was just as depressing as I thought it'd be. Lots of tears from everyone. Lots of tears from me too... Bryan was possibly the nicest man that I'd ever met. Whenever I'd go over to Sophie's house, he'd always welcome me in a way that nobody ever really had..._

_Dean was a great comfort to me. I mean, he always is, but this time, there were no comments about me crying too much or acting too much like a girl. He just stood there, allowing me to cry, watching me carefully.  
_

_Sophie is gonna miss the rest of the school week, and I'm supposed to bring her her homework while she's gone. Dean promised to talk to Dad so that we'd stay in town for a lot longer than we had originally planned. Dad will drive up to his next hunt and leave Dean with a car. Then, as time goes by, we'll leave to meet up with him, wherever the hell he is..._

_I'm gonna try and get some sleep before school tomorrow. Will write again soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of this chapter is for one of my readers (Kim). They gave me the idea of more angst (which, let me tell you, was not as easy to write as I thought) and the whole Dean thing. I know, it was short, shorter than the both of us would like (probably because majority of my brain is stressing about that AP test tomorrow), but at least I got it in there....
> 
> The last two parts of this chapter is dedicated to my friends and their dad who passed away nearly two months ago (the dates on here are right). Although the names were changed, I just fitted my point of view to fit Sam's story... I hope it worked as well as I wanted it to...
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading you guys! I can't believe I've actually got this many people reading my pretty crappy story, so, thank you guys. Really.
> 
> If you find anything wrong with the story, any grammar errors or typos, feel free to tell me in the comments! And I'd love to hear you opinion on the story so far too. It'll only make this more enjoyable for the both of us! Anyways, again, thank you guys so much. I'll try updating soon!


	9. Chapter 9

_4/30/98_

_It's been nearly a month. Actually, no. It's been over a month since I've written._

The last thing I wrote about was Sophie and Bryan, but even that feels like years ago. I mean, it's been nearly a month since I've seen her. A month since we've spoken....

Maybe I'll text her (that's the new way of communication now - text messages) and see how she's doing.

We're in Chicago right now. I think I lost count of how many Chicago jokes Dean has made so far. And in the car, he basically only plays Twenty-Five Or Six To Four. Which is annoying. **Very** annoying. ~~But I can't find myself to get super mad at him because it's... Dean.~~

Can't wait to get out of here. Dad loves it here, but I don't. I think New York is way better...

 

* * *

* * *

_5/2/98_

_It was my birthday today. I'm officially 15._

_It's weird. I've lived another year on this planet. Yet, I still feel like the same unhealthily chubby six year old kid I was just a few years ago. Yet I know I'm not. Which is weird._

_I mean, sure, I've lost a lot of pounds since then, and sure, I've gotten a lot smarter, but not much else is different. Same lifestyle. Same taste in clothes. Almost the same taste in music (that is, ignoring all the classic rock that Dean listens to). ~~And the same unhealthy dependence on Dean.~~_

_Two years ago, if you told me that being 15 wold feel the exact same, I would've thought you were lying to me. I would've said that being fifteen meant getting more freedom. But it doesn't..._

_Dad wasn't home today. Dean almost flipped out on him over the phone because of it. Instead, Dad's off with some other hunters. Probably drinking their misery away..._

_But Dean was here today. Dean stayed. So, that's all that mattered. For my gift, Dad got me a pistol. Well, a pistol kit. It's a Winchester Model (wow Dad, so original) 11K BB Pistol Kit. And, well, let's just say that it wasn't what I was hoping for. I think Dean saw my disappointment too because he automatically tried changing the subject from the gift._

_Dean's gift... Dean's gift was perfect. They always are. He got me a book. Really, one that he saw me eyeing for a while. And he got me a gift card to a bookstore. Because, I can never read too much, right? But he also got me a laptop. **A laptop**. Those things are really expensive, and I have no idea how he got his hands on one, but I can't thank him enough._

_Anyways, we're supposed to go get ice cream now, so I'll write again soon. Happy birthday to me!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's only been a day. Which is weird, me updating daily again. Anyways, I ended up not going to track today because of the AP Test (praise the Lord!), a test that I'm pretty sure I failed (I mean, I just basically BSed the whole entire thing). 
> 
> Anyways, I know it's short. I'm gonna try to start posting longer things now, so it may take me a bit longer to post (maybe about a week or two). I mean, unless you guys don't wanna wait that long... It's really up to you. Just, uh, leave me a comment and I'll figure out what to do...
> 
> But thanks again you guys for reading! It's really great to know that people actually like reading my story. And thanks for all the advice an positive comments you leave. They really make my day!


	10. Chapter 10

_3/5/98_

_I can't write daily anymore. Hell, I haven't been writing daily to begin with. No, but now, I can write less._

_Maybe once a month or so._

_Writing in a journal just seems less and less important as time goes on._

_Nothing new happens to me, ever. Hunting things, moving around, school, ~~being in love with my older~~ ~~brother~~. All things that won't change after a few days. So, does anything else really matter?_

_And besides, I've got to focus more on school. My grades have been dropping slightly. From A's to A-'s. Not a large difference, but large enough to me. And, if I want to go to college, my grades have to stay high, because their all I got as my chance of getting in. I don't have time for after-school activities, and I can't exactly put 'hunting' on my college resume._

_Whatever. I'll write again when something new happens._

 

* * *

* * *

_3/7/99_

_It's been over a year. Over a year since I've written. Over a year since I've found something to write about._

_Like I said last year, it's all the same for me. All the same. Hunting, moving, school, and love. None of that's changed._

_Except now, I'm older. One year older. My birthday was almost the same as last year. Dad was missing, and Dean tried filling in for him. And frankly, I'd rather have Dean around than Dad._

_I've grown more and more distant from my father since I last wrote. We fight a lot more, and I tend to disagree with everything he has to say about anything.  
_

_I've also grown more distant from Dean. I mean, sure. I still love the guy. A lot. ~~A lot more than I should.~~ But, I'm getting older. And in order for me to be able to go away in a few years, I've got to distance myself from my family. So that I can leave them without it hurting as much as I think it's going to..._

_I'm gonna be a junior next year. It's a lot weirder when I write it down. A junior. Then, after that, I'm a senior. And then, a college kid._

_I've never felt like freedom is so close..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted two chapters today. Two chapters in one day. New record. But they're both super short, so maybe they just count as one long one....
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear feedback in the comments, so feel free to leave me a message. They help. A lot.


	11. Chapter 11

_9/25/99_

_It's November. All of my friends are away for the holidays. Thanksgiving is tomorrow._

_I told Dean that I was going to Rachel's house tomorrow to eat. It's going to be the first holiday that I've spent away from him._

_Rachel. She's a nice girl. She really is. If you ignore the mouth guard, and the bug-eye glasses, she's kinda pretty too._

_She's awkward. Very awkward. And she won't stop trying to grope me..._

_But I'm going to meet her parents tomorrow on Thanksgiving. Because she was the only one who wasn't going away. Because I needed an excuse to stay away from Dean for even longer._

_I'll write again later._

 

* * *

* * *

_12/3/99_

_There's a lot of snow here. I mean, what else could I expect from Rochester?_

_Dean is away with Dad, helping out on the hunt. I couldn't say that I wasn't a bit disappointed, but I don't need him, right? I mean, hell, I'm old enough to handle myself. Definitely..._

_School is getting easier. My guidance counselor is trying to talk to me about college, and how no matter how much I move around, that I should still apply to one. I told her that I was planning on it, and that I already know where I want to go._

_I mean, picking a college wasn't the hardest part. No, deciding whether or not I would actually go was the hardest part. Everything else is just an extra._

_Bobby already told me that he'd let me use his address as my residency in my application. That makes everything so much easier..._

_Will write again whenever I get the chance. I think I'm getting a bit too old to actually keep a journal anymore..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look! Another chapter! I actually did post more than two in one week! It's a miracle!  
> I think that once I stopped stressing about my AP test, everything just seems so much easier to me. And plus, it's Friday. I have another chapter in my drafts, and who knows if it'll get posted today or not. I'm really feeling this story today, so it probably will.
> 
> Anyways, thank you guys so much for reading and leaving me comments! It means so much to me! Hope that you enjoyed the short update, and feel free to comment about something. Anything, really. I just love hearing from you guys!


	12. Chapter 12

_1/4/00_

_Dean read my journal. I know he did._

_I went out to go grab some books from the library, and I found Dean with my book in his hands. Again._

_I'm thinking about just ripping about all the pages I don't want him to read..._

_Dean refuses to say anything about it to me. He's pretending like nothing happened, really. And that's what's pissing me off the most. Dean avoiding the situation. Dean pretending like he hadn't read what I wrote about him._

_I don't even care that he read the book. Now Dean knows I'm in love with him. Now, Dean knows that I'm fucked up in my head somewhere. And knowing that Dean is too disgusted to even make eye contact with me anymore just makes it easier for me to leave. Right? I mean, hell, I know I'm leaving now. No way I'm staying after Dean read what he did. No way I'll be able to look at him without feeling more pain than I already do...  
_

 

* * *

* * *

_2/14/00_

_It's fucking Valentine's day. Again. By far the **worst** day of the year. The day where you show your love and affection towards someone._

_Also known as, the worst day for singles._

_Dean has a girlfriend again, and I must admit, she's pretty cool. ~~If you ignore the fact that she's dating Dean.~~_

_I have a Valentine this year. Because, apparently, puberty actually did me well._

_I have a Valentine, and I feel no affection towards her whatsoever. Dean planned a double date for us last week, and I could only think of Dean while I was there. I basically completely ignored Jen for the whole date, and although I feel kinda crappy about it, there's nothing I can do..._

_Dean still tries pretending that nothing happened. That he didn't read my journal last month. That he didn't read that I was absolutely in love with him. And no matter how much I crossed out, I still know that he knows. I can tell. He acts differently around me now. He's more distant than he was before. Simple gestures that used to be normal now make him act uncomfortable.  
_

_And I hate it. And I hate my life._

_I can't wait to fucking get out of here._

 

* * *

* * *

_3/9/00_

_Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if Mom never died. If Dad never found out about the things that go bump in the night._

_Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if Dean was never a part of it._

_To be completely honest, without Dean, I probably would've died a long time ago. Whether by my own hand, or by some monster's._

_Dean is like my rock. No matter what I'm going through, Dean is always there to help me. He's the support that Dad never gave me.  
_

_And I think that even if Mom still died, but Dean was never born, I'd be a stone-cold son of a bitch. I wouldn't care about anything or anyone, and I would probably be just as good as Dad at hunting. Just as good as Dean. I mean, without feelings, the job gets easier._

_If Mom never died, I wonder if I'd be happy. If I'd actually go to college without having to abandon everyone I love. If Dad and Dean would be happy too. If Mom never died, would I ever have fallen in love with Dean?_

_I'm leaving in a few months. A few months until I'm gone. Until I'm free to be normal. God, I can't wait..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two in one day! I'm gonna try shooting for a third.
> 
> Towards the end of this chapter, Sam's perspective changes slightly. Maybe it's because he's being moody. Maybe it's because he's tired of it all. Who knows...
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed, and feel free to leave a comment, because I love reading them.


	13. Chapter 13

_5/2/00_

_It's my birthday today. It seems like just yesterday that everything was normal. That I was normal._

_Or, at least, as normal as I can get._

_Not even a year ago, Dean could look me in the eye. And now, well, he looks away almost immediately.  
_

_He's more distant now that he knows. I mean, what else would I expect to happen? I mean, his younger brother is in love with him. He's only reacting like any other normal person would..._

_I've started counting down the days until I gradate. Considering the fact that I'm seventeen, it's not that far away... I sent out applications last year, and I know that I won't get any acceptance letters yet, but I'm applying again later this year and next year. When everyone else is._

_This year for my birthday, both Dean and Dad were gone. Which is something new; Dean not being here on my birthday. In one way, I hate it. Not being around him. But in another sense, it's better for the both of us. We could both use the space, and distancing myself from him now will make leaving easier then._

_I did absolutely nothing today. I feel kinda lonely, but I wouldn't admit that to Dean when he called. And yeah, Dean called. It was short, maybe about three minutes, but he still called to say happy birthday. He still got me a gift too. Dad didn't..._

_I sat inside all day, eating ice cream while watching some tv. Nothing too exciting, and I know that it would've been better if Dean were there, but I can't think that way anymore. Can I?_

 

* * *

* * *

_6/4/00_

_I'm beginning to wonder if what I'm doing is right. If I **should** leave. I mean, I know that it's better for everyone. Dad won't have to worry about spending the extra money to feed another mouth. Dean won't have to worry about someone 24/7, and won't have to have the hanging weight over his shoulder that my presence brings. And me, well, leaving means getting over Dean. Which I know I'll have to do at some point. I can't swoon over him for the rest of my life...  
_

_But for some reason, even though I know it's for the best, something is telling me not to go. Not to even **apply** to colleges (even though I already did). Because they'll need me. But I know that's a lie. They won't need me, they never have. No, it's more for selfish reasons._

_Even though I see how my presence is affecting everyone, I don't want to leave. Because I'm not comfortable with such a big change. Because I know that I'll miss Dean..._

_But that's the exact reason that I **have** to go. Dean. I can't do this to him. I can't make him feel this guilty about something, something that he had no control over._

_I know that I need to leave, but I'm doubting the facts. And I'm doubting myself._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's another short and crappy one, so I apologize for that. But hey, I updated three times today! That's a new record.
> 
> Anyways, thank you guys for reading. I really do appreciate all of you guys, and you comments make me feel so happy...
> 
> On that note, feel free to leave a comment. Whether it be constructive criticism to help improve the story, or an opinion on the story itself, I'd love to hear what you have to say! And again, thanks for reading. I hope you're enjoying the story so far, and I'll try updating again soon.


	14. Chapter 14

_7/11/00_

_I have a Led Zeppelin song stuck in my head._

_I don't even really like Led Zeppelin._

_But it's because of Dean. Because whenever I try talking to him about anything in the car, he only turns the music up louder. And it's always_ Traveling Riverside Blues

_And I know it's one of his favorite songs now, too. Because it's almost always playing. And he sings along all the time. And he does this little **adorable** dance every time it comes on._

_I think my condition is worsening..._

 

* * *

* * *

_7/14/00_

_It's the fourteenth of July. Not a special day whatsoever, but for me, it's probably the worst day of my life._

_For one, Dad got pissed at me. I still haven't told him that I'm leaving yet..._

_While Dean went out to get coffee, Dad started yelling at me about school. About how I should've dropped out like Dean. Then I told him that I'm nothing like my brother, and he hit me. He punched me in the jaw. Once Dean got back, Dad took the car and went for a drive. My face is **still** throbbing, and I'm pretty sure something is dislocated._

_On top of that, Dean didn't say anything to Dad. Not one word. Once Dad left, he helped me take care of it, but he didn't say anything about it to Dad. Just scowled in the corner. If he hadn't found the journal, if I wasn't as old as I am, Dean would've said something to Dad._

_But this time, he didn't._

_None of it matters to me anyways. I mean, sure, my jaw hurts. But I mean, I've had a lot worse. A lot worse. And Dad, no, **John** , hitting me, it isn't that big of a deal to me. In about two years, I'll be out of here anyways._

_I'll be out..._

 

* * *

* * *

_8/9/00_

_Got my report card today. I mean, no. No, that's a lie. John got my report card in June. No, I just saw my report card today._

_Straight A's. Dean was happy for me. John, not so much._

_I think Dean knows about my plans on leaving. I mean, the other day, he told me to keep my grades up and stay in school..._

_Whatever. I'm gonna go eat something and get to bed. This entry was short, but who gives a shit? Not like anyone but myself will read it anyways..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, new chapter! It's short, I know, but hey, at least I fit an update in.
> 
> I might post another one today, since I have no homework (just to study for a test, which I won't do).
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to leave a comment, as I do love to read them. And again, thank you guys so much for reading. More to come soon (hopefully)!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter because it's Friday! For the first entry, there's a little 9/11 thing (because I didn't think I could just skip a major event like that. Sam wouldn't NOT write about that in his journal), but don't feel obligated to read it. If it brings up feels, then feel free to skip it. I completely understand (I was crying while writing it, and it's not because of the newest episode of SPN (although, that made me cry too)). 
> 
> Anyways, thank you guys for reading and for leaving kudos, as well as comments. It all really helps me to know that so many people enjoy reading the story. Feel free to leave a comment after reading this, complimenting it, criticizing it. Anything, really. I love hearing the good aspects of the story, but I also like knowing what I can improve on. Thank you guys so much, and I hope you enjoy the new update!

_9/11/00_

_It's September 11th._

_It's September 11th, and the United States was attacked._

_The news claims that it was al-Qaeda._

_Dad thinks it was demons._

_Dean is just happy we weren't there.  
_

 

_The World Trade Center in New York got hit._

_The Pentagon._

_A field in Pennsylvania too._

_Why do people do this to each other? They maim, kill, use suicide bombers._

_But for what?_

_To get a little glory for your country?_

_To avenge someone's death?_

_But doesn't avenging just mean more killing?_

_More death?_

 

_At least if it was demons, we know why._

_They're tortured souls._

_People that spent years and years in the pits of hell._

_But people?_

_No matter what they say, there's no right._

_For war._

_For death._

_For anything._

_So, why can't we all just live in peace?_

* * *

* * *

_9/25/00_

_It's September, and I'm in California. Sweet, sweet California. I think that when I leave, I'm gonna find a college in California to go to. That is, if I don't get into my first choice..._

_Dad is hunting a rougarou a state over, but Dean didn't want to stay in Washington, so, here we are. California. Of all the places we've been, I definitely enjoy Cali the most._

_It was my first day at school today, and I'm already loving it. Dean, who spends most of his time at the beach now, drove me to school. Of course, the girls were checking him out. I mean, I've grown used to that by now. Not that it still doesn't upset me... Anyways, Dean was getting checked out. That's normal. But **I** was getting checked out too. **Me.** Sam Winchester was getting looked at by people of the opposite gender. **While Dean was standing right next to me**._

_I think I'm gonna like it here._

* * *

* * *

_9/29/00_

_I can't believe I'm a senior already._

_A senior. 12th grade._

_Less than one more year until I'm out of the life. 10 more months._

_I'm working on my second round of applications for college now. With the help of my guidance counselors, I'm sure that it will get done. I mean, with people all over the country helping me, all different opinions, I'm sure that I could make a nice application._

_Dean is pretty happy for me that I'm fitting in. It's been a while since I have. I mean, it's been almost a year and a half since I've had this many people accept me. And it's great._

_Plus, Dad said that he might be a couple weeks longer than planned on this hunt. Everything just seems to get better and better..._


	16. Chapter 16

_10/2/00_

_The last time I wrote, we were still in California. I was fitting in. Things were going great._

_And of course, right when things start getting normal, John decides to uproot our new lives and drag us across the country to another hunt._

_We're in Maine right now. I think this is one of the worst places we've gone._

_I mean, sure, the people are really nice. And sure, I fit in here too._

_But nothing really compares to California._

_Nothing..._

_Dean went on the latest hunt with John. I think it's a werewolf they've gone after.  
_

_So, here I am. All alone in Maine._

_Dean drove me to school today before going and meeting ~~Dad~~ John in New Jersey._

_It's been a little while since Dean has gone hunting with John. It's been a while since they've been so far away for a hunt. ~~I'm already starting to miss Dean.~~ I don't really care that he's gone, though. Makes it easier for me to distance myself from them. I don't even miss him anymore._

 

* * *

* * *

_10/4/00_

_Dean called this morning before I went to school. Said he wanted to check up on me._

_After about five minutes of talking to him, I said that I had to go or else I'd be late. I lied._

_I made friends, and I've already started to fit in. That doesn't change how unhappy I am here._

_After school today, I went to go watch_ Charlie's Angels _with some friends. I'm not really interested in watching it, but they are, and I need to get out of the stupid motel I'm currently supposed to call my home._

_Tomorrow probably won't be much different, but..._

_I still haven't spoken to Bobby yet since he said I could use his address as my residential address. I'm calling him on Saturday to ask if he's gotten anything yet._

 

* * *

* * *

_10/7/00_

_I called Bobby._

_I called Bobby, and he said he's gotten something for me._

_I called Bobby, and he told me I got an acceptance letter._

_I called Bobby, and I got accepted to Stanford._

_Full ride scholarship._

**_Full_ _ride._ **

_I don't know how I'm gonna tell Dean. I mean, I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, but I don't know how to tell him. I've been separating myself from him for months, but I still don't know what to say._

_How am I gonna tell John? Hell, John would probably kill me before letting me go to Stanford. To college..._

_I'll write again later. After I figure things out..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, new chapter! I'm actually getting kinda into it now (not that I wasn't before), so I might just add another chapter (or two) later on today.
> 
> Well, thank you guys for reading and commenting! I love to read your comments, and I love hearing your opinions on the story. Really, thank you.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the new chapter, and if you did, please feel free to leave me a comment. I really do love reading them, and they make my day. And they also make me want to update faster ;)


	17. Chapter 17

_10/15/00_

_I told Dean today._

_I told Dean that I'm leaving._

_I told Dean about my scholarship._

_I told Dean, and Dean almost started crying._

_I told Dean, and I forced him to promise not to tell Dad._

_I told Dean..._

 

* * *

* * *

_11/23/00_

_It's Thanksgiving._

_My last one with the family before I leave._

_It's Thanksgiving, and Dad is hunting. It's Thanksgiving and Dean is with me._

_Dean... He's still taking his time to process all the information that I've given him. Taking time to understand that I'll be gone. That I won't be around anymore._

_He's taking it harder than I wanted him to..._

_I tried spacing myself from him so that it wouldn't hurt as bad. So that he wouldn't be in as much pain. And obviously, it didn't work... I spaced myself from him for absolutely nothing. ~~And I hate it. I hate myself for doing that to him... To me.~~ I don't even regret it. It's for the best, right? I mean, I probably won't see him ever again after I leave. After I get that apple-pie-life that I've always wanted... After I'm normal..._

~~_A life without Dean is going to_ _suck._ ~~ _I'll be fine._

 

* * *

* * *

_12/5/00_

_Today was alright. Dad found a hunt in South Dakota, so I'm staying with Bobby while Dean and Dad are out._

_Bobby's been extremely nice to me since they left, and he hasn't mentioned Stanford yet. ~~Which I'm grateful for. It gets the idea of me leaving out of my head for a little while... Because I'm leaving, and God, I'm gonna miss my brother.~~ I kinda wish that he would. Talk about Stanford. I'm leaving soon, and I need someone to talk to about it. _

_Someone who isn't Dad or Dean._

_I think I'm going to tell Dad a week before I actually leave. Just so that there's enough time before, but not too long (because if he kicks me out, I'm screwed)._

_It's nice, staying with Bobby. His continuous use of the word "idjit" makes me kinda wish I wasn't leaving. Because I know I'm gonna miss visiting Uncle Bobby while Dad is hunting. Because I'm gonna miss one of the only **actual** parental figures that I have. ~~That is, of course, not including Dean.~~_

_Anyways, Bobby is taking me out to the grocery store so that I can help him pick out food for dinner. I'll try writing again soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted another update! Twice in one day. I'm pretty proud of myself for that.
> 
> The Bobby addition was for one of my readers, SeimeiMikhail. Thank you for the suggestion! This isn't it, Bobby will be included more in later entries, but here's a little taste of it all.
> 
> Anyways, thanks again for reading. I hope you enjoyed the story! Feel free to comment and say what you think, as I do love to hear your opinions! But really guys, thanks for reading. I'll try updating again soon.


	18. Chapter 18

_12/25/00_

_It's Monday, and it's Christmas day... Dean is here with me, and Dad, well... Let's just say this was expected..._

_Dean is distant. Just as distant as I have been these past couple months. He's obviously more bothered about me leaving than he wants to admit. I can tell. I know him too well... The forced smile that he gives me while trying to pretend everything is alright..._

_This year is different from all the others... ~~I miss how we used to be.~~ It's weird, but it's something that I'm, gonna have to get used to. After next year, I won't even see him on holidays..._

~~_It's kinda weird, and I don't want to go... Not if that means leaving Dean..._~~ _I know now that I_ ** _have_** _to go...._

 

* * *

* * *

_1/1/01_

_It's kinda weird to think that this year is the year that I'll be leaving... Later this year, I'll be gone..._

_It's even weirder to think that I'll be 18. ~~I remember that once I turned 14, I knew that I was in love with Dean... When Dean was this age...~~ It's weird knowing that I'll be an official adult soon..._

_In a few months, I'll only be Sam. Not Sam **Winchester.** Well, yeah, I'll still be a Winchester, but I won't be compared to Dean as much as I am now... I don't know... _

 

* * *

* * *

_2/14/01_

_Valentine's Day. I think I want to shoot myself. Much like my past years, on this exact date, I'm flying things solo. Who needs a date at some random school in the middle of nowhere?_

_Besides, I won't even be here in a couple weeks. One more, tops, and Dad will force us to pack bags and haul ass outta here. Whatever..._

_I'll try writin again soon, but who knows what'll happen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed the update. I know, it was short, and kinda crappy, so I apologize for that... I've got quite a bit on my plate right now, and me being the lazy ass person that I am, I get absolutely nothing done.
> 
> Oh well. Anyways, thanks again fro reading. Hope you enjoyed, and feel free to leave a comment for me! I love to read them, and they really bring up my day!


	19. Chapter 19

_3/05/01_

_When I was younger, I remember being obsessed with my brother.The then young and innocent Sam would never dare to dream what those feelings actually were towards Dean._

_When I was younger, I remember never wanting to leave Dean. The younger version of me would never think of leaving Dean behind for more school._

_When I was younger, I was happy. What happened?_

 

* * *

* * *

_3/12/01_

_Dad just moved us back to South Dakota for a hunt, so I'm staying with Bobby again while he and Dean are gone._

_Every time I'm with Bobby, he doesn't really say much about college. That is, if he mentions it at all. Which rarely happens. Which is kind of a relief. It spares me from the awkward moments..._

 

* * *

* * *

_3/18/01_

_Each entry nowadays just gets shorter and shorter. Maybe it's because I stopped caring. Maybe because I realize that I'm getting too old to write in a journal about my life and not about the creatures I hunt. Or maybe it's because I've run out of things to talk about. ~~My love for Dean, been there. My leave for Stanford in a couple months? Done that. There's nothing new...~~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update! Yay!
> 
> It was crap, I know, but I plan on making up for it next time. We'll see...
> 
> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed, and feel free to leave a comment. Because I do read them, and I love replying to them... Anyways, yeah, thanks guys! Hope to be updating soon.


	20. Chapter 20

_5/2/01_

_Today, I turned 18. Today, Dad left for another hunt. And today, Dean went with him. Dean didn't want to go. He knows that we have a little over a month together, and he told Dad that he wanted to spend more time with me. Because, of course, Dad would listen to a word he said..._

_Once we got to the new motel, Dean gave me my gift, and he told me not to open, not even peek, until he called. I didn't._

_When Dean finally called, I couldn't have been any more relieved. Dean and Dad were okay, and I could open my gift..._

_And I did. And I loved it. And I can keep with me all the time, even when I got to Stanford._

 

* * *

* * *

_6/20/01_

_Today, I graduated from high school. Today, I graduated, and tomorrow, I leave for college. I still have to tell Dad. And I will, tomorrow night..._

_I need sleep before I have to go._

 

* * *

* * *

_6/21/01_

_Dad was pissed. I mean, it's worse than I expected. He threw things, and he hit me. Square in the jaw. And that's when Dean stepped in... **I already miss him.**_

_After Dad told me that I wasn't his kid anymore, that I'm not allowed to come visit, Dean drove me to the bus stop._

_Dean drove me to the bus stop in his Impala, and it was raining. Rain... Kind of ironic for the kind of day that I had today..._

_Right before I got out of the car, something unexpected happened... Dean told me that he didn't want me to go. Then, he kissed me._

_At least, I think he did. The lines between my hopes and reality are blurry... But I **think** that Dean kissed me. And I still taste the liquor on his tongue, the unmistakable musk of it all, and the pureness of just... Dean._

_Him kissing me made things that much harder. I still don't know how I'm going to do without him..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the update. It was short, but the last part was as interesting as it would get... So, yeah, finally fitting in wincest in there (besides Sam's unwarranted thoughts).
> 
> Anyways, again, thanks for reading, and thanks for all the comments! Hope to update soon!


	21. Chapter 21

_7/5/01_

_It's Thursday. I just got home from my classes, and I'm about to start studying for a history test that I have next week._

_I'm beginning to fit in already. I've made some new friends, my best friend being Brady. Brady is in almost all of my classes, and he's my roommate,_ _which is great. He's began to introduce me to everyone that he knows, and since he's a sophomore, he knows a lot more people than I thought._

_Brady invited me to this pool party on Saturday, and I'm still not sure if I want to go. I have schoolwork that I could be working on, but we'll see what happens._

_I'll try writing again soon._

 

* * *

* * *

~~_7/6/01_ ~~

~~_I don't know how long I can go without Dean. I miss him, daily. No matter how much I try telling myself that I don't miss him, I do._ ~~

~~_And I dream. Well, no. Nightmares would be a more accurate term. And it happens each night._ ~~

~~_Every night, Dean comes to visit me. He comes and he apologizes for not doing anything to stop Dad. And then he says that he loves me. That he always has._ ~~

~~_And then, I tell how I feel... Felt. I tell him that I'm in love with him, and he laughs. Then his eyes go yellow, I see a glint of silver coming from his pocket, and my whole world goes black._ ~~

~~_Each night I die, and Dean kills me._ ~~

 

* * *

* * *

_7/8/01_

_Alright, it's Sunday. It's Sunday and I just got home. It's 3 in the morning, and Brady is so drunk it's not even funny. He's sleeping now, his snores filling our tiny dorm, making sure that I can't sleep._

_Brady made sure that I came to the party, practically dragging me out of the dorm room, closing my books and handing me my jacket. I had fun. Kind of... I mean, it was kind of uncomfortable for me. It was loud, and there was lots of drinking, and I didn't know anyone except Brady..._

_I couldn't be any happier when a drunk Brady stumbled over to me, yelling about how we should go back home. Thank god he didn't drive..._

_Before drinking, Brady introduced me to this girl, Jessica. She seemed nice enough, and she was flirting with me. A lot._

_Not that I minded..._

_I got her number before we left, but that doesn't mean that I'll call her... ~~I still can't stop thinking about Dean...~~_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been over a week, and I was supposed to post this yesterday, but then my brain stopped working, and I couldn't do anything...
> 
> Anyways, thank you guys for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to leave a comment, as I love hearing your opinions on the story and my writing! Giving me pointers will only make both of our experiences better.
> 
> I'll try updating again soon!


	22. Chapter 22

_8/5/01_

_It's still summer vacation, and Brady invited me over to his house for the weekend. I'm not exactly sure whether I should go or not, yet. I don't want to be a burden..._

_Jess started hanging out with all of us more often, especially me. I've started to like her more. Who knows what'll happen between the two of us..._

_Brady and Jess both went home for vacation, as did all of our friends. I'm the only one who has nowhere to go. No place to call home. And, as far as everyone else is concerned, no family._

_Hence, the invitation from Brady. I'm starting to think that all the guys are just taking turns on inviting me over to their house, each week I get a new one._

 

* * *

* * *

_8/12/01_

_Brady and Jess invited me to another party. Don't think I'm going to go. Even though school is over for the next few weeks, I still want to catch up on all the schoolwork that I will have to do. I already finished all my summer homework, but that doesn't mean I can't do extra... right?_

_I mean, I still need to be above and beyond in my class. I still need to get into law school. And I still have three more years before I can apply. Three more years of working hard to get into Stanford law._

_Stanford._

_My dream college. I can't believe I got a full-ride scholarship here._

_I can't explain how happy I was. ~~How happy I was to know that Dean was proud of me. Before I left... Before Dad made me leave.~~_

 

* * *

* * *

_8/14/01_

_I'm homesick already. ~~Is that even a thing? I mean, I didn't really have a home...~~ But, yeah. I'm homesick._

_I miss Dad yelling at me, the purr of the Impala. And most of all, Dean. I miss Dean. I miss our endless bickering. I miss the heart palpitations that I get whenever I am around him. I miss us working together. I miss... him._

_It's hard to admit. To myself especially. I mean, I know. I'm in love with my older brother, and I'm suck. Not right in the head._

_But that won't stop how I feel. Unfortunately..._

_I miss my brother with every fiber of my being, and no matter how much I try to distract myself with other people (mainly women), nothing works. **Nothing.**_

_And the kiss... Now that I've dropped the wall that I built up before I left, I remember it..._

_Dean. His smell, that look in his eyes before he leaned in, his lips pressed against mine, calloused fingers holding my face firmly in place..._

_Some nights, missing him gets bad. Horrible even. I start hating myself. For leaving him, for hurting him..._

_Some nights I wish that I was never born, or that I was born a hunter, like Dean. So that I never would've even thought about college. Or about leaving Dean. I was too naive - only thinking about myself. Not about him. Or Dad. Or others... And I can't go back. Dad made that point quite clear..._

_Did I make the right choice?_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! Yay!
> 
> I'm happy that I got a chance to write some more. Now that's it's finals week at school, things are beginning to slow down. So, that means more frequent updates! I can't believe there's only about a week of school left before summer vacation!
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed the update! Feel free to a leave a comment. I read them, and try commenting to the best of my ability. And I love criticism (not hate), so feel free to say something. Comments will only make this better for the both of us!
> 
> Again, thanks for reading. Hope to update soon!


	23. Chapter 23

_9/15/01_

_The new year just started, and Brady is in less classes with me. Actually, no. He's in none of my classes. But Jess is in nearly all of them. Which is cool, I guess._

_Gives me more people to talk to in class._

_This year, the teachers all know me. Which is odd. I mean, I'm not used to being talked about. I'm usually the one in the background, the nerd nobody talks to. But now, I'm noticed. People talk to me, and teachers use me as an example in class. I don't know how I feel about the new attention..._

_I'll write as soon as I can. Now that I'm a sophomore in college, things are getting more hectic. And I need to do as much extra work as I can. For the next four years after I finish._

 

* * *

* * *

_9/21/01_

_Jess asked me to go out with her today. Out. As in, alone. **On a date**..._

_I really like her. I mean, if I wasn't in love with my brother, I would've taken this opportunity as soon as I could._

_But I am. In love with my brother, that is. And I'm still not sure what I should tell her... I said that I'd think about it, and boy am I..._

 

* * *

* * *

_9/23/01_

_I just told Jess my answer. I told her, after two days of thinking about it, that I would love to. Go out with her._

_It's weird switching the roles like this, but we did. She asked me out, and I was the one who had to make the decision..._

_And I said yes. I mean, I'll never see Dean again, and I can't stand around waiting for him. Right?_

**_Right._ **

_So, I'm going to go out. Meet people. Do the things that I've always wanted. **Be normal.**  _

_And begin building up that wall that I broke down. Blocking out the memories of my family again. Of Dean. So that I can live my life. And do exactly what I wanted. **Be normal.**_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading my update! I hope that you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment and kudos - both make me want to update even quicker...
> 
> Anyways, again, thanks for reading! I won't be able to update until after next Thursday, so I hope that this short one will tide you over in the meantime. I'll try getting on as soon as I can, once finals are done. Hope to write soon!


	24. Chapter 24

_11/29/02_

_It's been over a year since I last wrote. Over a year since I updated this stupid journal about my life._

_And frankly, I don't think there's much to update on. Jess and I started dating._

_I still miss Dean some days. Hell, I might go as far as to say that I'm still in love with him._

_But I'm in love with Jess too. If anything, I'm in love with Jess more. Maybe my condition... my addiction to my brother is fading away after time of being away from him. Whoever said that going cold turkey doesn't work is an idiot._

_Speaking of cold turkey, that's what Jess and I will b eating for the next couple days. No thanks to that (ridiculously) large feast that Jess' parents mad us for Thanksgiving yesterday._

_Jess' parents... They're really nice people. The exact opposite of the father that I grew up with. Which in my opinion, is amazing. It's nice. Being normal. I just wish that I had experienced this kind of life growing up..._

 

* * *

* * *

_1/12/03_

_I got a call today. A call, and a three second voicemail. From Dean. Or at least, the number that I knew as Dean in my phone. In the voicemail that was left for me, I only heard breathing. Heavy breathing. Maybe he got drunk._

_Maybe he didn't._

_Either way, I deleted the message and the call. And the contact, too. I'm cleansed. A new person. And I don't need people from my poisoned life bringing back the disease. Or, in this case, I don't need the disease to come find me._

 

* * *

* * *

_1/20/03_

_Brady is trying to talk to me about long-term relationships. And to be completely honest, what I have with Jess? That's what I see myself being a part of in my future._

_I already started saving up for a ring._

_A ring. Sometimes, I wonder what I did in my life to lead me here. To lead me to this perfect world. To this... dream._

_Jess. Brady. Stanford. All of it. Sure, I don't have familial ties. I think the only thing that would make this better was is Dean were here. If Dean were here, and I was not in love with him.  
_

_Perhaps, in some alternate universe, I'd still be with Dean. I would have never left for Stanford. But in that alternate universe, I would never be truly happy..._

 

* * *

* * *

_2/14/03_

_It's a nice change. Actually having a valentine that you love on Valentine's Day. Because, really, until this year, I didn't._

_I don't think I could express how happy I am that I met Jess. How happy I am that Brady introduced the two of us at that party (that I didn't even want to go to)._

_I'm supposed to meet Jess, Brady, and Brady's new fling at the local coffee shop in a few hours to hang out._

_If you told me a few years ago that I'd be where I am now, I would have asked you if you were crazy. Or what you were on._

_Anyways, off the topic of my (amazing) girlfriend and my (utterly perfect) life, I got another phone call today. Except this time, the caller left a message for me._

_It was Dean._

_It was a very drunk Dean, but it was still Dean. He was calling to ask how I've been. To **apologize for driving me away** , and to say that he misses me. Which hurt. _

_A lot._

_It hurt to hear Dean's voice. It hurt to hear the **pain** in his voice. And it hurt even more to know that the pain Dean is feeling... It's all because of me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know, it's been a really long time since I last updated. But, school's over! And, well, it has been, but that's not the point...
> 
> I'm sorry I kinda disappeared for a while. I got super sick, and looking at the computer screen made me want to barf, so I put off updating until I got a bit better. Which I did! I'm kinda sorta better now. I mean, I don't feel like puking every time I open the computer, so that's good...
> 
> Anyways, I hope that you guys enjoyed that update you've been waiting for! Again, sorry for taking so long to post it. Feel free to comment on your opinion, as well as criticism or mistakes that you find. I'll try writing again soon!


	25. Chapter 25

_5/2/03_

_Dean's been calling me at least once a week for the past month now._

_Leaving me voicemails._

_And it's obvious that he's drunk when he does._

_Because you can hear it in his voice._

_The slightly-slurred words._

_And I also know because he would never call me... Not sober, anyways..._

 

_It was my birthday today. Crazy when you think about it._

_I'm officially 20 years old. Jess threw me this party with like half of the campus attending. It was great..._

* * *

* * *

_5/15/03_

_Dean called again. Except, this time was different. He sounded more... needy than usual._

_Even while drunk, Dean never sounds needy._

_And I don't know what the hell I was thinking , but I called him back._

_And he answered._

_There was a lot of awkward silence for a few minutes, and hen he hung up..._

* * *

* * *

_6/7/03  
_

_School ends in a couple days for summer break, and I couldn't be more excited._

_I'm staying with Jess for most of the time, instead of sleeping in the student housing like I had planned on doing._

_Dean hasn't called me back since that night. And I have to say, I do miss him. I miss the calls..._

_I made a huge mistake calling back.  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to make excuses. I really want to make excuses for why I haven't updated. But honestly, I got nothing... I went to Jamaica for a few days, where my dad got married, and I thought that was reallly cool. Either way, I could've updated before I left... Whatever.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I can't believe people are still actually reading this... We'll get more into the wincest part a bit later on, so don't worry!
> 
> Anyways, guys, it was kind of short, I know. I'll try doing better next time. And, as always, fell free to comment on the story and give me your opinion, good or bad. Criticism will only make this a better experience for the both of us!
> 
> Again, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed, and I'll see you guys next update!


	26. Chapter 26

_7/5/03_

_It's July 5th.  
Jess and I watched the fireworks together yesterday._

_Jess' parents are having the two of us share a room, and despite my protests, the same bed as well._

_Jess' dad is pushing me to buying a ring. And to be completely honest, I'm thinking about it. ~~The only thing stopping me is the fact that I'm in love with my older brother.~~_

_Speaking of Dean, he hasn't called me again. I mean, I completely understand. Maybe he sobered up and realized that what he was doing was idiotic. Or maybe, he found someone else to fill that gap that I left..._

_Either way, it doesn't really matter. I have Jess now, so I should be happy. Right?  
_

* * *

* * *

_8/10/03_

_It's been over a month since I've written, and not much has changed. Jess and I are still at her parents house. We still share one bed. And we're both happy._

_Dean still has yet to call me back, and I'm doing my very best to ignore that feeling in the back of my head yelling for him._

_But I'm with Jess now. And I'm happy._

_For all I care, Dean could never call back. At least, that's what I should be thinking..._

* * *

* * *

_1/24/04_

_It's Dean's birthday today._

_I tried calling his number. At least, the number that I knew to be his, but it was disconnected. As were all of the other numbers that he uses..._

_I've never felt so lonely..._

_Jess is a big help. At least, she tries to be. But with everything going on in school right now, she isn't able to help me as much as I can see that she wants to._

_If Dean were here, I know he would try to make sure that I didn't make a big deal out of his birthday. He'd tell me that it's not important. That he's only a year older, and that it isn't something to get all pansy about. He'd tell me it's just like any other day._

_And I would agree with him. Just to make him happy. But in my head, I'd pretend that I threw him some big party. That he got a cake. That I could exchange the beers and horrible motel rooms to wine and a fancy hotel..._

~~_I miss Dean. A lot more than I'd like to admit to myself._ ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! Okay, I know, it's not my best. And I'm sorry for that. I just wanted to get a new chapter up and I had writers block and urg...
> 
> Anyways, I hoped you enjoyed reading the new chapter! And, as usual, feel free to comment any questions or opinions that you have. Criticism is welcomed, but not hate.


	27. Chapter 27

_4/15/04_

_It's kinda weird._

_Waking up every morning and thinking of someone besides Dean._

_Sleeping in a bed that is **mine**._

_Living with someone who isn't my brother in a small, one-bedroom apartment instead of a motel room..._

_Some mornings I get up, and I temporarily forget what's happening. I look around the bedroom that I share with Jess, and I wonder how I got there._

_And then I remember. I remember that I left Dean... Left the only person I ever really cared about. And it hurts..._

* * *

* * *

_10/14/04_

_Jess is starting to get ready for Halloween. Even though it's not for another 17 days, she still started decorating. It's her favorite holiday..._

_It's funny how different this holiday is when you're normal. As kids, Dean and I never really celebrated Halloween, except for that one time when I was 9 and Dad was out on a hunting trip..._

_Jess wants me to dress up with her. Matching costumes. She's gonna be a zombie bride, and I'm supposed to be the groom. Not exactly sure how I feel about this all...  
_

* * *

* * *

_10/31/05_

_It's Halloween again. Jess dressed up like a nurse this year, and I'd be lying if I said the outfit doesn't turn me on... I'm not wearing a costume. I've officially decided that I hate this holiday._

_It's been years since Jess and I started dating. Well, it feels like centuries. Like she was my perfect match ~~even though I know she isn't.~~ _

_Years since I left Dean. And to be honest, I'm starting to get over it all... I'm starting to get over Dean._

_Jess is dragging me out to some party at a nearby bar to celebrate me graduating. And to wish me luck on my interview in a few days for law school. I'll write again soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally up to the pilot episode! Wow, that really took a long time, huh?
> 
> Anyways, guys, thanks again for reading my update. Hope you enjoyed, and feel free to message me with any questions, comments, or concerns. I'll update soon!


	28. Chapter 28

_11/10/05_

_Some nights I think back to what happened that night._

_No. **Every night** I think back to what happened._

_Jess haunts me. Both when I'm awake, and when I'm asleep. I don't know what hurts more, the fact that I picked Dean over her, or the fact that I knew **exactly** what happened, and I didn't do anything to save her._

_Jess is dead. And it's all my fault._

 

* * *

* * *

_11/18/05_

_Dean and I hunted Bloody Mary._

_Dean and I hunted and **killed** Bloody Mary._

_I still have a headache, and I still feel like my eyeballs are about to pop._

_Thank god for Dean and his quick thinking..._

_It's funny. Bloody fucking Mary came after me. I told Dean that it was because of Jess, because I didn't tell him everything. Which is completely true. I decidedly left out the part where I was having nightmares for **months** about Jess dying. The exact same way that she did._

_But when Bloody Mary came after me, when she started to talk to me about the secret, it wasn't Jess she was talking about. It was Dean. It was the fact that I left with Dean when I could've protected Jess._

_That I loved my own brother more than my girlfriend, which is why she died. And, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't agree with her._

 

* * *

* * *

_12/01/05  
_

_I almost killed Dean today. He still won't talk to me about it..._

_The two of us went into a haunted asylum. That stupid ghost of a fucking doctor confronted me, and I just... snapped._

_I blamed Dean for everything. I felt this... rage. The kind that I had only ever targeted towards my father. But now, it was Dean at the receiving end. And my rage was multiplied by twenty._

_I said that Dean was the reason Jess died. I said that I was better off without him. I even managed to add in the fact that had he never come to get me, I wouldn't be the emotional wreck that I am now._

_Dean gave me his gun, and I tried shooting him. Right in the head. Thank god he took out all the bullets..._

_And now, Dean won't talk to me. Not one word, and it's killing me more on the inside than Jess' death ever did..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally updated! This chapter has kinda been sitting in my drafts for a while, but after rewatching a bit of season one, I finally figured out where I wanted to go with it all. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I (somewhat) enjoyed writing it!
> 
> And as always, feel free to leave me a comment with any opinions, questions or comments that you might have. Criticism will benefit the both of us, so please. don't keep your opinions to yourself (unless it's hate. Then, just move along). Again, thanks so much for reading, and I hope that you enjoyed. I'll try updating soon!


	29. Chapter 29

_I'm not even gonna bother dating these entries anymore. Who cares?_

* * *

* * *

_12/21/05_

_I lied. Obviously._

_Dean almost died today. He got electrocuted while we were hunting, and he had a heart attack._

_His heart is damaged._

_He only has one month left to live. At most._

_God, I don't know what I'll do without him... Without Dean around, I'm not truly **alive.**_

 

_I can't let him die. I won't let him die... He can't leave me..._

* * *

* * *

_12/24/05_

_I found a specialist. After a bunch of calls to every hunter that I know, and after Bobby's help, I found someone. Now, Dean won't die._

_Apparently, this guy uses God to heal those who are worthy. Dean is skeptical, but at this point, I'll try anything..._

 

_You can see that he's getting weaker. He has more trouble walking now, and he's getting more pale each and every day._

_We're leaving tomorrow. Dean needs to be helped._

* * *

* * *

_12/28/05_

_Dean is healed. Thank god for this fucking preacher._

_Dean is feeling great, which I am so happy about. I can't stop **touching** him. Which now, as I write about it, seems a bit weird considering my feelings for him. But, dear god, Dean is okay. Dean is healthy again._

_I have no idea what I would do if Dean had died..._

_But now the idiot thinks that there's something wrong. That this can turn into a case. That the preacher is somehow supernatural._

_All because a man running through the woods had a heart attack at the same time that Dean was healed. Why can't he just be happy that he's okay?_

* * *

* * *

_1/02/06_

_We solved the case. The preacher's wife was controlling a reaper. Dean had us break the bind, and now the reaper is free. And the wife is dead. All is good, right?_

**_Wrong._ **

_I kissed Dean._

_I fucking **kissed** my brother, and now he's avoiding me._

_Well, avoiding me as much as he can._

_And now, we're driving to meet one of Dean's ex-girlfriends. I just kissed my brother, and we're going to meet some girl that Dean used to fuck. Ironic, isn't it?_

_I swear, Dean is trying to pretend like nothing happened, and God, I wish it never happened. Whenever I try talking about it, he tells me to shut up, and he turns on some music, drowning out anything that I'd possibly have to say to him._

_I don't know why I had to go and fuck things up. Maybe it was because he was supposed to die. He was supposed to die, and I thought ' **what the hell? If not now, then never.'** But Dean is okay. And our relationship isn't..._

__I just hope that things will get better soon._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a killer headache from this party that we had to throw earlier for my little sister's birthday (12 five year olds running around and screaming their heads off while playing Kidzbop in the background. My living nightmare), but I still managed to post a chapter!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed the update. And got some feels (because I sure as hell did). As usual, feel free to leave me a comment telling me what you thought, or giving me suggestions for later on! But really, thank you all for reading. Hope to update soon!


	30. Chapter 30

_1/04/06_

_I hate Cassie already. Hate her._

_She still loves Dean. I can tell by the way she looks at him; that stupid smile that she gives him._

_That stupid smile that Dean loves._

_He won't talk about it with me, but I know that he loved her. I can tell. I mean, he **told** her. About our life. About our job. He broke the Winchester's number one rule, all for this girl. Because he loved her. Because he **loves** her._

_Maybe in another life, we would've gotten along. Hell, maybe we would've been friends. I mean, hell, maybe we would've dated. She's smart, and funny, and god, she's perfect for Dean..._

_Which is **exactly** why I hate her._

 

* * *

* * *

_1/05/06_

_Dean had sex with her last night._

_Dean had sex with Cassie three days after we kissed..._

_I told him to work out his problems with her._

_I told him to go see her..._

_And then he never came back to the motel._

_This morning, I called about the new case information, and he showed up at the crime scene wearing his clothes from yesterday, and he smelled like that stupid floral perfume that she wears._

_I wanted to throw up right then and there._

_But maybe it's for the best... I mean, Dean should stay with Cassie, right? He's happy... She can make him happy. Give him a normal life; a life that I know he's always wanted. And having a relationship with his **younger brother** is the exact opposite of normal..._

_The sad thing is, I can't even hate her for it anymore. She's just another girl that fell for Dean's charm..._

_No, I can't hate her. Now I hate myself._

_I hate myself for wanting to drag Dean into a relationship that he clearly doesn't want. I hate myself because I don't **want** Dean to be happy; not if it's with someone else. And God, I hate myself for just fucking loving that asshole with the perfect green eyes and the ridiculously perfect smile._

_Just like everyone else, I fell for Dean._

_God, I need to just get out of here..._

 

* * *

* * *

_1/06/06_

_You know, days like this, I wish that I had gotten on that stupid bus with Meg._

_Days like this, I wish that I had gone with that random girl that I met at a bus station in the middle of nowhere._

_Because at least then, I wouldn't be near Dean and Cassie._

_God, Dean and Cassie._

_They've gotten more obnoxious about their PDA._

_Basically anytime that they get, the two are slobbering all over each other, and it automatically makes me want to dry-heave._

_Why? Because she knows **nothing** about Dean._

_I mean, sure, she knows the charming smile, and the green eyes. And sure, she knows what we do for a living._

_But that doesn't mean she knows my brother._

_She doesn't know how each night when we were younger, the two of us would have to share a motel bed because Dad wouldn't get us two rooms. She doesn't know about how Dean would give up everything just to help me. She doesn't know how Dean was always there for me..._

_She doesn't know anything about us. And yet, there they are. Dean and Cassie. DeanandCassie._

_If Dean's life wasn't in danger back in Indiana, I would've gotten on that bus with Meg, and I would've high-tailed it out to California... God, I wish I did..._

_I don't know how much longer I can stay in town with Dean... Maybe I'll just leave again. I mean, it's a simple salt and burn, right? Dean can handle it on his own... I think I'll start packing now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I know that I updated just two days ago, but I really needed to push this one out because the original scheduled date (Wednesday), it turns out that I'm gonna be at Hershey Park, and I don't feel too comfortable scheduling it, so here it is!
> 
> I hope that you enjoyed reading the new chapter! I definitely need to start moving this story along so that it gets done... It's turning out so much longer than I had originally planned...
> 
> Anyways, again, thanks to you all for reading, and I hoped you enjoyed! Feel free to leave me a comment with your opinion, or any questions that you might have. Until next time!
> 
> ~ Kacey


	31. Chapter 31

_7/05/06_

_I honestly have no idea how we survived it all. The car crash... The hospitalization._

_I mean, I didn't know what was happening. One moment, Dad and I were arguing about Yellow Eyes. The next? There's a massive truck that hit the Impala..._

_The first thing I thought before passing out was that Dean was gonna **kill** me for trashing his Baby; his precious Impala. And the second thought was **Dean**. Dean had suffered enough blood loss for Dad to say he needed to go to the hospital._

**_Dad._ **

_Dean was lucky that he didn't die. And hell, he almost did..._

_I mean, he was a spirit for a while. Not a fully-dead-and-pissed-off kinda spirit. Not like the ones we hunt... No, more like a trapped-between-life-and-death spirit._

_I almost died without Dean around... Dean wasn't there; he was just as good as dead. And what would my life be without him? I mean, sure, I went years without him at Stanford, but that was different. At least then, I had some fleeting hope that Dean was alive. If I watched Dean die with my own two eyes, I wouldn't have that..._

_But thank god, Dean didn't die. He didn't. And he came back, not remembering what the hell happened._

_And then Dad died..._

_Honestly, I'm not even sure what Dad did. I mean, I have some sort of knowledge that our Dad, John fucking Winchester, didn't just drop dead like that. No... something had to have happened. Especially because the Colt disappeared along with him..._

_And now, we're at Bobby's. After going through hell, we're at Bobby's, and Dean is alive, and he's fixing his car, pretending that all's well._

_But then at the same time, I know that it isn't. Because after I gave Dean his beer, I watched him take his anger out on the Impala. On his Baby. There's no way that Dean is okay...  
_

_The two of us met Jo, Ellen, and Ash a couple days ago. Ellen knew Dad a long while back. Jo flirted with Dean a little bit (unfortunately), while Ash helped us with Dad's research on Yellow Eyes, and he found us a case. With fucking **clowns**. Killme.  
_

_Anyways, we just got back from the hunt two days ago. I just thought I needed to write everything down on paper before I exploded. Dean doesn't know that I just watched him destroy his precious car less than twenty minutes ago. I feel a subtle pain from the loss of Dad, but it isn't as strong as I know it should be. Maybe I'm still in shock? God, I hope things get better soon..._

 

* * *

* * *

_8/10/06_

_My visions are happening more and more frequently._

_Last night, I watched a man shoot up a store before committing suicide. So, now, Dean and I are headed to Guthrie, Oklahoma to find Andy Gallagher; another kid like me... A kid who lost their mom in a fire... A kid with certain abilities..._

_Thank God for Ash and his research._

_I'll write more later, when I have more information on him, and on the case.  
_

 

* * *

* * *

_8/12/06_

_Dean and I spent the whole day following Andy. Well, at least, Dean did. I spent my time finding the man from my vision, and stopping him from shooting the store. And I did. But then he stepped in front of a bus. God, I felt - **feel** \- so helpless... If I couldn't save that one guy, how the hell am I supposed to save anyone else? _

_After Dean gave Andy the Impala, that's when we figured out what his power was. What **gift** Yellow Eyes had given him..._

_Mind control._

_I think that it's him; who else could it be killing people? But Dean doesn't think so. And if I'm being completely honest, I hope he's right. Because if Andy is good, then that means that there's hope. That not all of Yellow Eyes' little experiments are what they're supposed to be._

 

* * *

* * *

_10/26/06_

_I haven't felt this much pain since Jess died. I feel like my insides were clawed out, and no matter what, no matter what Dean says or does, he can't fill the gap. Not like he did with Jess. No matter how much I love Dean, he can't help with this one..._

_And what happened to me?_

_Madison._

_It was a normal werewolf hunt. Everyone around Madison was dying, and we weren't sure what was going on._

_At first, we thought it was Madison's ex-boyfriend. He was a bit violent, also an angry drunk. And, he seemed to follow Madison everywhere she went. He was at her house, at her work, even at that local bar that she went to for a work party. Vengeful ex-boyfriend? Fitting reason, right?  
_

_And that's what we thought, until Dean found her ex-boyfriend's body. And Madison eating it._

_I was told to stay with Madison; pretending to be a police officer or an FBI agent ordered to protect her. And that's just what I did._

_I told Dean that we couldn't kill Madison, that it was all too much, and that we couldn't just... kill her._

_So, Dean found another possible solution. He killed the one that turned her._

_And then I slept with her._

_Except, it didn't work, and the morning after, she almost killed me. And then I did exactly what she asked me to do; I put a bullet right through her brain._

_The thing is, the loss of Madison doesn't hurt me as much as Jess did. Not as much as leaving Dean did. I mean, I'd only known her for about five days, y'know?_

_The thing that hurt the most was knowing that whatever she did, she could never tame the monster inside of her. That no matter what, she couldn't resist what she was..._

_Because if she couldn't, how do we know that I can't either?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know. It's been a while. I wanted to update on Wednesday (I'm starting to think that Wednesdays should be my day for updating), but then I got sick (that seems to happen to me a lot more often now), and I lost all Sam muse.
> 
> And don't get me wrong; I'm still sick. But I'm nowhere near what I was before, so, I decided to update. And it's the longest chapter yet.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the new chapter! Thanks a lot for reading, and, as usual, comments and criticism are welcome. Love you guys, and I'll try updating again sooner rather than later!
> 
> ~ Kacey


	32. Chapter 32

_11/25/06_

_I've been through a lot of shit._

_Between losing Jess, killing Madison, finding out about my powers, facing Henriksen and getting arrested, even that fucking Croatoan virus, I can say that nothing hurts more than almost losing Dean... Or actually losing him. Absolutely **nothing**._

_And today, I almost lost him. **Again.**_

_I know, it's all part of the job. There are casualties. Someone gets hurt. It's in the job description. Dad knew that when he became a hunter. He knew that when he raised me and Dean in the life. Dean knew that when he stayed, and I knew that when I came back. And yet, for some reason, the idea of Dean getting hurt and me losing him, it just seems **impossible.** Big brother Dean, always there for me. How could my untouchable older brother die?_

_And yet, somehow, it almost happens. A lot. And every time it does, I freak out._

_So, today, when I found Dean, tied up and dripping blood, I did just that. I freaked._

_And I tried waking him up, because I knew that if he stayed there, he'd surely die. He lost so much blood; how could he not?_

_So, I panicked, and I kissed him. I kissed him, and then Dean woke up, and I swear to God, I just wanna die. Because I took advantage of him. There's no way that fully-conscious Dean would let me kiss him. All those other times? They were all flukes; he wasn't expecting any of it. That time that he kissed me before I left for college? He was just doing whatever he thought he could do to make me stay. That's the only logical explanation. Because how the hell could Dean - perfect Dean - love an abomination like me?_

_So, yeah. I kissed Dean. I took advantage of my brother, and I feel like shit about it, because there was no way - no way in hell - Dean would've wanted that._

 

* * *

* * *

  _1/02/07_

_I don't remember anything._

_Well, no, that's a lie. I do. I remember waking up on this mysterious island with Ava and Andy and all these other people, all my age, and all one of Azazel's children._

_And I remember finding out that Ava was killing all the others that were there. And I remember Jake and I being the only ones left.  
_

_I remember Jake fighting me. I remember the searing pain of a knife in my back, and then... Darkness._

_What I don't remember is how the hell I woke up. How that wound didn't kill me. Dean tells me that Bobby healed me, and I want to believe him, I really do. But some part in the back of my mind is yelling... screaming at me that it's all wrong. That there was no way I could've survived an injury like that. And all I want to do is prove that part of my mind wrong._

 

* * *

* * *

 

  _1/05/07_

_We stopped Jake and Azazel._

_We closed the gates of hell._

_And we finally got our revenge on the thing that killed our mother. That killed Jess._

_And yet, I'm not feeling that sense of accomplishment that I had always thought I'd feel._

_How could I? Because even though Dean killed Yellow Eyes, he made a deal with a demon. And he's only got one year. **One fucking year.** Not ten, like the others get. Just one._

_So, no. I can't feel accomplished, or relieved, or happy. Because even though we got our revenge, Dean is still gonna die. Dean; the only relative that I have left. Dean; my whole life. Dean; the only person that I've ever really loved._

_It's so unfair. Dean selling his soul like that. To save me. Shouldn't he know that my life without him is meaningless? He felt horrible once he found out that Dad did that exact same thing for him, and yet, Dean went along and sold his soul anyways. Didn't he think about how I'd feel once I found out? Didn't he realize that without him, I've got nothing left?_

_I can't let this happen. I can't let Dean just... die. No way. I've gotta find some way to save him. I have to. For both of our sakes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I know that it's not Wednesday. Far from it. And knowing me, I'll probably update then too. I just couldn't wait any longer to post this chapter...
> 
> Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed the update! I'm sorry that this story is moving really slow. I mean, honestly, I think I'll just cut this short and turn it into a series?? Who knows.
> 
> As usual, feel free to leave a comment. I love to hear your opinion on the story, and the updates, and I'd love to hear any advice or criticism that you have for me. And thank you for reading this new chapter. I'll try updating again on Wednesday!
> 
> ~ Kacey


	33. Chapter 33

_1/20/06_

_We put the Seven Deadly Sins back in the cage. The Seven fucking Deadly Sins._

_And when I say 'we,' I don't just mean me and Dean. No, there's Bobby, too. And this hunter, Tamara..._

_It definitely wasn't easy. Hell, I almost died today. But then this blonde girl swooped in and saved me. Then I saved her. I didn't get a name, only a sarcastic remark and the ability to witness a girl with a pretty face kill a demon. With a knife. She killed one with a **knife.**_

_How the hell did she get that? Who is she? Why'd she save us? How did she know where we were, or what was going on?_

_I have so many questions, and there's not much of a likelihood that I'll see her again, so they'll probably never get answered._

 

* * *

* * *

_1/24/07_

_It's Dean's birthday. It's the last birthday that I'll be able to share with him before he's sent to hell... Dragged to hell._

_I want to make a big deal out of it, y'know? Make it special, because it is the last birthday we'll ever be able to celebrate. Dean, on the other hand, wants me to pretend like everything is fine. Like he won't be gone in less than a year. Like I won't have to figure out how to live without him._

_God, I wish Dean hadn't made that stupid deal..._

 

* * *

* * *

_2/05/07_

_Ruby. That's the blonde girl's name. The one from when we killed the SDS. Ruby._

_And Ruby is a demon._

_A **demon.**_

_She wants me to do some research on all of Mom's friends. Because, just like her, they're all dead. And Ruby thinks that it connects to me in some way._

_I haven't learned much about Ruby yet. Just that she owns a demon-killing blade, loves french fries, and saw some reason to save me. But just because she made sure I didn't die, that doesn't mean I trust her._

_How could I?_

 

* * *

* * *

_2/15/07_

_I fucking got shot today. By Bela fucking Talbot._

_I don't like her. Sure, I don't hate her like Dean does (she **did** steal the rabbit's foot from me when I was checking her out at the diner), but I don't like her. And she fucking shot me. To get to Dean._

_I don't have much else to write about. Nothing else really changed. Dean still pretends like nothing happened between the two of us. I'm still trying to shove all my feelings for my brother into a corner. I'll update when I want to._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I'm back! This update was kinda crappy (who am I kidding? VERY crappy), and I'm really sorry about that, guys. I just have so much going on right now in my personal life. Between marching band camp from 8-4, to work from 4-8 (yes, PM), I'm pooped. Honestly, I'm surprised that I even got around to writing this...
> 
> Things should be moving a lot more smoothly next week because camp ends this Friday. I'll still have work, but it'll be much more bearable without the 7 hours outside in the sun.
> 
> Anyways, thanks a lot for reading. And as usual, feel free to leave a comment for me! I love hearing your opinions on the story, and I love responding to them! I'll try updating soon!
> 
> ~ Kacey


	34. Chapter 34

_4/06/07_

_I honestly don't know how many more times I can listen to Dean call me 'princess' before I punch him in the face._

_It's not my fault that I read the Grimm's Brothers, is it? I mean, it was a school requirement and... I don't have to explain myself._

_Basically, people are getting killed. Like in fairytales. Well, people **were** getting killed. Thankfully, the two of us stopped the girl who was behind it all..._

_We work well together. As a team. God, some days I wonder why I ever wanted to leave. And then, on other days, I realize that I'm some sick fuck who's in love with their older brother. God, I need to get my shit together.  
_

 

* * *

* * *

_12/25/08_

_Dean and I spent Christmas together. I mean, it's Dean's **last** Christmas here. And, for once, I didn't want to celebrate. Because jesus fucking christ, my brother is gonna be gone in a few months, and I have no idea what I'll do without him. Because then I'll have nothing left. Jess is gone, Dad is gone, and Dean will be gone too._

_And there's no way I'll be able to go back to Stanford. Not after I skipped my interview like that. So what the hell else is left for me to do with my life?_

_Dean has become my center; he's what keeps me from falling apart. And what the hell will I do after my center is gone?_

 

* * *

* * *

_I watched Dean die over 100 times. But I finally figured it out. The trickster... He's the one pulling all the strings._

_And dammit, I hope that, for the both of us, he wasn't lying. That when I wake up, it'll be Wednesday. Because, I don't know what I'll do if I have to watch Dean die again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was kinda short again, because I lost most of my Sam muse recently (but my Dean muse boosted up by like 1000%). I'm probably gonna be posting shorter chapters again because school starts next Tuesday for me (only 8 days left omg), and everything will be super hectic. And, not only that, but I started a new fanfiction! If you guys didn't already know. It's definitely a lot more time consuming than this one, because it's with normal-fic-format.
> 
> I roleplay as Deanna Winchester on tumblr (my url is bad-assblonde, if any of you were wondering), so I figured, why not try writing a fic about Dean switching genders?? It probably (definitely) won't turn out the way that I want it to, but I mean, it is the second fic that I've ever written, so...
> 
> Anyways, thanks again to all of you who stuck around long enough to read this update! I hope you enjoyed. And, as usual, feel free to leave a comment. I love hearing from you guys, and any criticism that you may have will only make this a better experience for the both of us! Hope to update soon!
> 
> ~ Kacey


	35. Chapter 35

_I never knew that I could be **this** pissed at someone before._

_Except I am._

_Remember how I said earlier that I don't hate Bela Talbot? Well, I was wrong. I do._

_She's horrible._

_And now, because of her, Dean and I are back on the radar. And Dean and I got locked up. Yay._

 

* * *

* * *

_Dean and I escaped. No. Correction. Dean and I were let go._

_Because Victor Henrikson realized that we've been telling the truth this whole time; that the supernatural really do exist. And now, we're free. And Lilith is god knows where. But none of that matters. Because as time ticks, Dean starts getting restless. And thank god for today, but just because it happened once, that doesn't mean it'll happen again. Dean needs to understand that he can't be so restless... He's gotta stop making stupid mistakes. Because if he keeps going down this route, it'll end up costing the both of us. And it might even kill Dean before the deadline hits.  
_

 

* * *

* * *

_Dean has 30 hours left. 30 hours. I don't know what I'll do when that time is up...  
_

_I failed him. I told him that I'd find a way for him to be saved... A way for me to help save him... And yet, I didn't. I failed him. And now, we've both got to pay the price..._

_God help us. Dean thinks that us stopping Lilith will help. And, I really really hope that he's right. Because I can't give up. Not yet._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, alright, I know. It's been forever since I've updated. I get it. And save your yelling (or all caps writing) because I know. I suck. And I fucked up the timing in all of this two, so I ended up having to delete the date on some of them (which I had a feeling Sam would've wanted me to do anyways). But that's not the point. Really, I am sorry for disappearing like that. After school started (like two weeks ago), I've already had 12 quizzes, and 3 tests lined up for next week.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the update. It was super short again, I know, and at the rate I'm going at, there'll be like 50 chapters (jfc). As usual, feel free to leave a comment. I love hearing from you guys, and your messages really bring up my whole day!
> 
> ~ Kacey


	36. Chapter 36

_Can I just say that none of this was how I planned on things turning out. Us, working with angels? Us **starting the fucking apocalypse**? Definitely not in my agenda for things to do in my life. But, hey, things are turning around a little bit, I guess. I mean, on the bright side, Dean's back._

_And sure, his return also brought along those winged dicks, but Dean's back. And honestly, now that he's back, I think I'm gonna call it quits with Ruby. I mean, I know that Dean hated her, and, hell, I did for the longest time after Dean was gone. But, then, I didn't. And now I'm working with a demon, despite Dean's death wish. Despite everything, I still seek out for Ruby's help._

_And now that Dean's back, I don't need her help anymore. I can stop drinking blood like a freaking vampire (it's just as gross as it sounds), and I can be normal with my brother. Or, at least, as normal as two hunters can get with angels and demons on their asses._

 

* * *

* * *

_I'm honestly such a liar. I do it again, and again, and again. I said I'd stop going out with Ruby without Dean knowing about it. And you know what? I lied. I fucking lied, not only to myself, but to Dean. And, now, Dean doesn't trust me anymore. As a matter of fact, I might even go as far as to say that he hates me now. And all for what? To fuel this stupid desire that I have for demon blood..._

_God save me._

 

* * *

* * *

_I honestly expected... more. I mean, I let Lucifer out of the cage, yeah. And what? Dean and I get teleported onto a plane just above the town when it happens. By who? I have no fucking idea. But now Lucifer is free, and quite honestly, I expected... more.  
_

_I mean, not much has really changed. Well, that's not entirely true. Cas is on our asses about it all, and I dunno what to do about him. But besides that, nothing else has really happened. There haven't been any major deaths yet. The earth hasn't blown up yet, and it hasn't started raining fire. If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was as if the final seal wasn't even broken._

_But it was. And it was my fault. How the hell do you own up to ending the world?_

* * *

* * *

_It's funny. When I look back at the previous pages in my journal, I realize how **s** **imple** things were. I mean, as a teenager, I thought I had it so bad. Struck and in love with my older brother; all my angst-y teenage-y hormones raging. But now? Now, things are just **stressful.** Dean and I were the causes of the apocalypse.  
_

_The two Winchester boys._

_Wouldn't Dad be proud?_

_And now, Dean and I have to stop what we started. We have to end the apocalypse. And how? So far, there's only one plan... I give myself up to Lucifer. Say that I'll be his vessel. And then? Then I jump into the pit. Dean goes off and gets out of hunting, living peacefully with Lisa and Ben for the rest of his life. And I'll be in the cage with Lucifer until the very end. Happy ending, right?_

_It's not like I'm against the idea. As a matter of fact, I'm all for it. It's just Dean that I've gotta convince. Because, there's no way I can do it without his help..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who got their Sam muse back??? Well, that's actually a lie. He isn't FULLY back yet. But after all the feels from the new episode in season 11 that I watched, he came back to me, just enough so that I could write this chapter. Which I'm very grateful for. And, I know that you guys have been waiting a while for this update, and I'm really sorry it took so long.
> 
> Things in my life are starting to slow down a bit more - I've managed to raise my grades back to their normal A's (and the occasional B). My grandfather is recovering really well from his surgery; he's finally getting a bit more used to having the stoma in, and have come to terms with the idea. We're going to go visit him this weekend, just to check in, but he seems to be doing alright. The PSATs have come and gone; they were a lot easier than I had imagined they would be, and the memes were great this year.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the update! I know that it wasn't really worth the wait, and I apologize for that. I just hope that as Sam comes back to me, the chapters will get better (and longer!) again. As usual, feel free to comment and leave me your opinion. I love hearing from you guys! And, if you haven't already, you should check out my other fic! I have a lot more Dean muse than I do Sam, so I'll probably be updating my other fic a bit more. Kisses! <33
> 
> ~ Kacey


End file.
